THINGS MY CHILDREN FIND OFFENSIVE

We all know kids dislike some things for reasons that defy all logic and common sense. Certain colors, an abhorred sippy cup, that one plate that is just so stupid, diapers, water; any of those things could potentially ruin a morning for my entire family. Before I had kids, I could never have imagined the breadth and depth of the things a child can hate. The anger and disgust that such a small, soft little thing can harbor never ceases to amaze me. Below is the list my children would write if they could write and were also allowed to touch my computer:

  • Folded laundry. Smash it. Kick it over. Wipe a runny nose on it. Take it out of drawers and use it to pretend to be a ghost. Do whatever is necessary to get those clothes back to their natural, wrinkled state. This also applies to wet laundry hanging on a rack to dry. Throw it on the floor. Walk on it with dirty shoes. Use it to wipe up juice spills.
  • Adults sitting*. Not allowed. Ever. An adult at ease is an adult who has time to build a Hot Wheels track or find that one Lego piece no one has seen in a year. *This does not apply to adults who sit on the floor as they make excellent trampolines and jungle gyms. 
  • Adults talking on the phone. Unless that talking is happening in the background of a FaceTime session with grandma while she watches us perform ninja kick demonstrations, forget the phone even exists. Save that voice and energy for pretending to be a pup in an unexplainably violent game of Paw Patrol (hint: it's gonna be a LONG game).
  • Shoes lined up neatly by the door. Just don't. If anything was ever asking to be hidden under the basement guest room bed, its that one boot mom will need to find quickly the next morning. Shoes should be piled up in the middle of the kitchen or thrown down the basement steps (bonus points if they are muddy). 
  • Showing affection to anyone else. Nothing pushes us over the edge more than when mom and dad sit too close on the couch. This calls for an immediate cannonball into someones lap (hint: always dad). This also goes for holding other children, petting animals, or giving one sibling any sort of attention that is not immediately and equally applied to the other. 
  • Adults in the bathroom alone. What is going on in there that requires this so-called "privacy"?!?!?! Number 1 or number 2? Is there another number going on? Number 5? WHAT IS NUMBER 5??!?!?!?! Better lay on the floor and try to look under the door, or better yet hang on the door knob and scream with emotional fury. 
  • Carseats. Ever. These torture chambers must be resisted at all costs. Arch your back like a bridge. Hold your arms rigid. Put your hands in front of the clips and dare them to pinch your tiny chubby fingers. Crush up crackers and fill the seat with the crumbs. Dump juice all over the straps so they are sticky for the next year. Unclip the chest strap as soon as the car is in motion and laugh like a comic book villain. Crawl into the trunk and hide under the stroller. WHATEVER IT TAKES.
  • Food on a plate or in a bowl. Can we use our imagination a little bit people? Are we sheep? Smear that food on the table to create a beautiful work of art. Use lunch to hydrate your skin and condition your hair. How far can a two year old throw a breakfast sausage? Only one way to find out. A good rule of thumb is that for every bite you take, throw or smear enough food to require at least ten minutes of clean up by an emotionally exhausted adult. Don't ever let someone tell you you're "too old" to get creative at mealtime. 
  • Clothing. Whoever invented warm clothes to keep humans alive in the winter is the devil. The worst thing about the daily indignity of getting dressed is it doesn't just happen in the morning, it ALSO happens before bed. The key here is to stretch the process out as long as possible. The more torturous you make it for the adults, the less likely they will be to make you change out of pajamas in the morning. Play your cards right, and you can even wear those same pajamas to bed that night. AND DON'T EVEN GET US STARTED ON SHOES. The only acceptable forms of footwear are snow boots, and ONLY if they are being worn because of a sledding excursion. 

If my kids were to make a similar list of things they DO like, it would look like this:

  • Clementine oranges 
  • Fiber gummies 
  • Surprise egg videos