It's been a long time since I've written a post - several months in fact. Writing for my dumb blog seemed pointless and futile when it felt as if the world was on fire. I was hoping that after the election things would get back to normal and I could get into writing again. Obviously, the opposite happened.
Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and forget about everything. Then I inevitably remember, and the feeling of dread washes over me anew. Its like someone died.
Perhaps that makes me a special snowflake. Fine, I'll own that analogy. Snowflakes are beautiful, unique and delicate. But put enough of them together, and snowflakes become a blizzard; a powerful and destructive force of nature. See what I did there? Take that, internet trolls!
This post isn't about why or how the unthinkable happened. There are much smarter people who are hard at work figuring that out. And I won't tell you what needs to be done going forward, because hell if I know. I only started paying close attention to politics in the last year, and that certainly doesn't make me an expert. I'm still trying to come to grips with the country I ACTUALLY live in, versus the one I loved but apparently didn't exist. (You never know how much you care about something until it's gone, isn't that the saying? Who knew I was so patriotic! )
I know a lot of people who read my blog feel the same way. I find that interesting and also encouraging. If any of you are having a hard time like I am, I want you to know you aren't alone. So many people are struggling right now. Its a scary time to be alive. Its a scary time to be raising children. And if you are already dealing with the heaviness that is anxiety or depression (or whatever your particular struggle may be), it can all seem like too much.
I can't necessarily give any advice (because again I never know what the fuck I'm talking about), but I CAN say what has worked for me. I've been getting back into the things I liked before I got so busy with kids and worrying about the state of our democracy; reading post-apocalyptic fiction, running, napping, watching mindless TV, planning vacations and cooking. Life is too short to deny yourself the things that make it bearable. No one gets a medal for being the most miserable human (unfortunately, because I feel like that is a sport I COULD medal in).
Beyond all of that, I've discovered the cathartic experience of tattoos. I've had two done - one just before and one just after the election. They are a beautiful "fuck you's" to my anxiety and a reminder that my body is my own and does not belong to my children, my husband or society's expectations of a 30-something mother of two. I'll probably get more as soon as I forget how much the last one hurt (just like childbirth!).
I've become more outspoken and involved in social justice issues than I ever would have predicted. It makes me feel less defeated and gives me a way to channel my energy away from brooding about the future. Although don't get me wrong, I still brood a LOT. Brooding is probably the one subject I AM an expert on. Maybe I'll write a book: "100 THINGS TO THINK ABOUT AT 3 A.M." or "NOTHING YOU DO ACTUALLY MATTERS: PARENTING FOR THE NIHILIST"
This weekend, I'll join at least a half million other women (and men) marching in D.C. I'm excited and scared and nervous and overwhelmed all at the same time, which probably means its exactly what I SHOULD be doing. Please send all the positive safe passage vibes for every marcher in every city around the world on Saturday. Hopefully, we won't need it, but nothing seems impossible anymore.
What was the point of my post again? I don't know. It doesn't matter. I had to start somewhere. I hope you all find your starting place, too.