HOW TO SHOP FOR THE ANXIOUS MOMS IN YOUR LIFE

It's that time of year again when the weather starts getting warmer and us July babies begin seriously editing our Amazon birthday wish lists. You're probably thinking, "what do I get the anxious mom who seems to have everything?" While its true we probably do have most conventional products that attempt to sooth our twisted brains, there are ALWAYS more companies looking to capitalize on the unique phobias of motherhood. To save you all the trouble, I've compiled a must-have list of the latest and greatest in potentially unnecessary (or IS it?) safety technology. (Interestingly if you search "best safety products" in Amazon the results are almost exclusively child-rearing related. Coincidence? No.) 

What if I lose control of my minivan and my car careens into one of those retention ponds just off of highway exit ramps while I'm driving alone with all of my children? (side note, why the FUCK do they put bodies of water directly next to the most likely place for your car to careen out of control???)

This is a good question. I don't have a minivan yet but I WANT one and it seems like those things might be pretty tippy. There has to be a way to prepare myself for this inevitability, right? RIGHT! For less than $6 you can get this car hammer AND seat belt cutter. The compact size makes it a great stocking stuffer as well as a "just because" gift any time of the year for that special crazy in your life.

What if my child gets out of bed in the middle of the night and suddenly figures out how to unlock the front door and gets lost in the woods during winter wearing only a diaper? 

Okay so we live in a densely populated neighborhood of Minneapolis BUT what if we didn't? Thats a BIG if. Turns out there are several products for the mother preoccupied with the child-lost-in-the-woods scenario, including a childproof deadbolt and an unobtrusive locator alarm that you could somehow clip onto an unsuspecting child's pajamas (which will of course be put on them backwards so they can't reach the zipper). Both items together cost less than $70 and say "I care about your delusions." 

What if I take the dog for a walk at night and a car runs me over and my children grow up without a mother?

We don't have a dog anymore, but we did at one time and I used to walk him in the dark all the time. I took this insanely stupid risk because I didn't have any children yet so the main anxiety breaker in my brain had yet to be tripped. Luckily, Amazon has a stylish, elegant solution to the problem of irresponsible drivers with night blindness driving up on sidewalks with no warning. I love how these reflective vests can do double duty for older children who ask to ride their bike anywhere but in their own driveway, or teenagers who ask to walk to a friends house after dark.  

What if my child reaches the age where I let them make their own sandwiches and they slice off multiple fingers using the knives from the knife block I told them never to touch? 

Eventually children will start asking questions like "are butter knives really the best tool to use to cut a tomato?" Just tell them "yes!" but when that stops working order these gloves and pay for overnight shipping. Force them to wear the gloves anytime they are within 5 feet of the kitchen, just to be safe. You really can't put a price on fingers, after all. 

What if terrorists attack the US power grid and widespread panic results in a fundamental breakdown of emergency services, followed by the larger society? 

Other phobias that fall into this category are zombie virus apocalypse (definitely possible), all the bees dying resulting in most of the worlds crops failing, global warming, and global financial collapse. While Amazon only offers measly supply kits that last days or weeks, Costco sells a year's worth of food for a family of four for just $4,000. While that might seem like a lot of money, think about it in terms of peace of mind. People regularly spend thousands on an engagement ring but nobody thinks ahead to the end of the world when they're in love. (This is not a joke I want this IRL if anyone is looking to splurge for my birthday. You only turn 31 once!).

What if an intruder breaks into my house while I am home alone with the children but I don't believe in civilian gun ownership? 

I'm a firm believer that guns in the home will most likely be used to kill your spouse as they try to stealthily eat an entire pie in the kitchen by the light of the refrigerator glow. But in the event that the creepy neighbor guy breaks through the back door while my husband is out of town, what is a liberal-minded pacifist with limited upper-body strength to do? Luckily there are any number of non-lethal yet pain-inducing self defense options available with Prime shipping that will not cause you to accidentally shoot a member of your household as they use the bathroom at 1 AM. For the cat-loving anxious moms who also want to fuck up a bad guy (or bad woman) check out this keychain that I can only imagine would be very "pokey pie," as my toddler puts it. This would also be useful in those late night parking garage situations. This stun gun doubles as a flash light and if all else fails I'm guessing you could also use it to bludgeon someone within an inch of their life. Speaking of bludgeoning, this baseball bat (literally called the "Brooklyn Crusher") looks pretty bad ass. I think if I were a burglar I would think twice if I saw a doughy, 30-something woman with greasy hair coming at me with that thing. There is nothing quite as scary as the rage of a sleep-deprived mother woken up by another adult who is not dying and/or on fire.

Not only does a gift that speaks to your loved one's worst nightmare show that you have been listening when they wake you up to talk about it at 4 AM, it also says "look, there are so many other people who are unreasonably worried about this potential catastrophe that it makes financial sense to manufacture and sell a product to prevent it!" And that's really what the anxious mom wants for her birthday/mothers day/Christmas/Valentines day/your anniversary... validation. A big, steaming, delicious mug of "you might be crazy but so is everyone else!" to sip while we relax on the couch in a fluffy robe and watch our stories. Perfection.