THINGS I HAVE TO SAY OUT LOUD

You know all those things you feel like you just instinctually know about being a human person who interacts with other humans? Its not instinct. At some point, someone explicitly taught you how to behave around other people. And then they reminded you 600 more times. And most likely, it was your mother (or primary caregiver). I know this, because on a daily basis I utter things that I am shocked and horrified I had to say out loud. Here are just a few:

"If you pinch me in the throat one more time, you are going to bed."

"We do not put poop in our mouths, even if we are just pretending."

"Where did you find the cup of milk you just drank? Is it lumpy and sour?"

"I do not need help wiping my bottom but thank you for offering."

"If you don't stop pretending to choke on your food I am taking away your dinner."

"Do not put your toe in baby brother's mouth."

"We don't strangle our friends."

"It is too scary for mommy when you hide and jump out from behind the clothes in my closet."

"Please do not dip your hands in syrup and then touch my clothes."

"If you keep using so much hand soap you will lose hand soap privileges."

"You cannot feed baby brother. Please put your shirt down and let go of his head."

"When you eat pieces of your game it tells me that you don't want to play the game anymore."

"If you hit your aunt with that train one more time I'm throwing it in the trash."

** Bonus points if I had to say it within hearing distance of strangers **

So next time you resist the urge to eat a piece of used gum off the floor, or run out into the street without looking, or punch someone in the face, you know who to thank. Flowers are always a nice gesture.