BEDTIME AVOIDANCE MANUEVERS

My toddler is a genius at delaying bedtime. Some nights for hours. He has been doing it since he was several weeks old, so I'm familiar with most of his tricks. Now that he can talk he gets really creative with the excuses. It would be hilarious if I wasn't so fucking tired. 

 "I have to poop. Really REALLY bad." (Sits on potty with a smirk and admits maybe he just wants to play so let's go down in the basement with daddy.)

"I need a little snack"  (code for 600 M&Ms)

"Where is my monkey flashlight?!?!?!?"  (a windup flashlight we got at the zoo. Its noisy and keeps him awake so he loves it and demands it every night. God help me if I can't find it come 8 p.m.)

"I think I might be scared."  (he is not)

"What is that sound? Come tell me what that sound was!!!"  (just me, quietly weeping outside your door) 

Loud, fake crying ("I think I might be really sad.")

Loud, fake coughing ("I think I might be a little sick.") 

 "Help! I need someone to keep me safe!!!" (Oh come ON. How can I ignore that one??)

"I can't get under the covers! I'm stuck!!" (Lies lies lies) 

"I need [insert someone who is not currently in the state if Minnesota]!"  

"Where is baby brother?? Is he awake??" (Now he is) 

"I need you to come lay in my bed a LOT of times and sing me a LOT of songs" (infinity times) 

I would keep writing but I can hear a certain someone pining for a certain monkey flashlight upstairs.